How to be assertive at work

For some, assertiveness comes easily. These are the people who bring their self-assuredness to nearly every situation, projecting confidence and ease. For others, learning how to be assertive requires intentional cultivation — and the benefits, especially at work, may be worth the effort. 

To learn how to be assertive it helps to know what it means to be assertive. A good working definition of assertiveness is expressing clearly and confidently one’s thoughts, needs and opinions while also respecting the thoughts, needs and opinions of others.

In trying to understand other viewpoints, actively listening and respecting the other person or people is more likely to end in a resolution that works for everyone. Assertiveness, though, isn’t just about resolving conflict. It spans asking for what one wants and has earned as well as saying no when appropriate.

For example, if someone is asked to take on work or tasks that belong to someone else, it’s appropriate to decline courteously.

Honing assertive communication starts with practice and reflection. Let’s say someone has a difficult conversation coming up to set boundaries with a supervisor about an unfair workload or to discuss ongoing tension with a co-worker. A good place to start is by practicing the conversation, noting the key points that need to be made and avoiding overexplaining, softening the most important points or apologizing. It helps to ensure that wherever the conversation takes place is quiet, private and free of interruptions.

Another tactic for how to be assertive in that situation? Run through the tough conversation in a low-stakes scenario, such as with friends or family, where it’s easier to practice disagreeing confidently but respectfully. Also important is strengthening body language; no slouching in the chair or crossing the arms, for example, and be sure to maintain eye contact. Public speaking training can also make it easier to build confidence and develop clear messages based on facts rather than emotion.

Practicing speaking up isn’t just important for these thornier discussions with bosses and colleagues. It’s great training for becoming more assertive in meetings and other day-to-day exchanges. For example, speaking up early in a meeting to ask a clarifying question or add something makes it easier to speak again. And when any interaction is over, take the time to review how it went, answering questions such as:

• What were the outcomes?
• What worked and what didn’t?
• What might be done differently next time? 

One of the biggest reasons people struggle with how to be assertive is simply not feeling confident. It could be that an employee is early in their professional career or new to a role or an organization and still learning the ropes. Or perhaps a company’s culture discourages workers from speaking up, making it difficult to resolve conflict or unfairness or promote new ideas and solutions. When the power differential is significant — such as between managers and their direct reports — it can be very difficult to feel self-assured.

Similarly, national or regional cultural norms can also affect assertiveness. In some places, addressing conflict directly or asking for what one wants is considered more aggressive than assertive.

It’s worth mentioning that women tend to struggle more with how to be assertive at work. According to some statistics, they’re twice as likely to be labeled “bossy” than men, this being the unlikable version of assertiveness. They can experience a double standard in which standing up for themselves is more likely to be seen as aggressive while in men it is seen as leadership. 

Perhaps the most common reason employees lack assertiveness is simply because they don’t feel comfortable or able to express their thoughts and opinions, for whatever reason. That’s when practice and preparation make all the difference. Fortunately, building the confidence “muscle” is something anyone can do by:

• Focusing on expressing their needs clearly and succinctly
• Setting boundaries when necessary
• Maintaining respect for others

Assertiveness and aggressiveness are often confused, but there are important differences. It’s worth mentioning that this difference can be in the eye of the beholder: Someone who avoids confrontation or conflict at all costs could find a person who speaks clearly and directly about a difficult topic “aggressive,” while someone else would see the individual as being “assertive.”

Aggressiveness doesn’t respect the rights, needs or opinions of the other person or people. There is little or no listening and an aggressive exchange might include body language and tone that reflect a lack of interest in a fair compromise to reach a resolution.

When standing up for oneself — whether to set boundaries, to speak or to disagree with confidence — the critical difference is respect. This applies even to fraught or heated conversations. Acknowledging differing — even opposing — perspectives is certainly not easy, and much harder when talking to a superior, but it is possible and necessary for assertive communication. Since no one’s workplace is free of conflict, learning how to be assertive professionally is an essential skill for every career stage.

There are other obstacles to effective assertiveness beyond a lack of confidence and a fear of being perceived as aggressive. A basic fear of the unknown may also hinder employees in this regard. They may be afraid of or nervous about the other person’s reaction, whether that presents as anger, crying, defensiveness or even retaliation.

Simply not being clear on what to say and what to ask for can also impede one’s assertiveness. A difficult conversation becomes that much tougher when an employee hasn’t taken the time to reflect on what a good outcome would be. Is it setting boundaries for workload, timelines or respectful treatment? Perhaps it’s negotiating a specific compromise, such as getting help from other team members or agreeing to a more realistic deadline for a large project.

Sometimes, being more assertive may have less to do with resolving conflict than learning how to express opinions (especially those that go against the grain) or asking questions.

Whether in the office or at home, differences of opinion will always exist. When they escalate to conflict, they must be dealt with.

One can ignore the problem, which ensures it will linger and possibly repeat itself later. One can try to quash the opposition, which can breed resentment and, again, a repeat performance of the issue. Or one can deal with it assertively.

The first step to managing conflict assertively is to go into a conversation expecting and working toward a compromise or some other resolution that is acceptable — even if not ideal — for all concerned. This can look like the following:

• Deal with the situation sooner rather than later. It’s tempting to sweep conflict under the rug and hope it resolves on its own. That said, dealing with a situation when emotions are high typically isn’t the best approach, either. Find a way to discuss what happened in a timely way (within a few days at most) and keep both the recap of what happened and the most important points succinct and focused.
• Use “I” statements. A punitive or blaming tone typically results in stalled communication. Instead, explain precisely the impact of a decision or behavior on your feelings, thoughts and needs, and propose a possible solution rather than focusing on the person. (This technique is also helpful if you need to create a boundary at work.)
• Make sure you’re emotionally regulated. Taking a walk ahead of an anxiety-provoking discussion or spending five minutes alone in a quiet place to do some deep breathing can clear your head. Also helpful is sitting in an open posture with arms uncrossed, hands resting on a desk, table or lap and making eye contact, all of which invite communication and show attention and engagement — and physically represent how to be assertive.

Sometimes even the best-laid plans to have a calm, productive conversation can’t guarantee a resolution. And sometimes, being assertive will mean leaving a position that simply isn’t the right fit. If speaking up to correct unfair treatment falls on deaf ears or if a company’s culture is not to address conflict, there may not be anything an employee can do other than to find another role with an employer who values and actively supports healthy communication, employee self-confidence and assertiveness. 

The office isn’t the only situation where knowing how to be assertive can be advantageous. Looking for a job is another one. To that end, University of Phoenix offers its Career Services for Life^® commitment for active students and graduates. These include one-on-one career coaching and resumé guidance so individuals can enter the job market better prepared for applying and interviewing.

Additionally, current students have access to Career Navigator, a platform that helps them assess how their skills and interests might translate to a career.

UOPX also offers free resources to the public. Explore webinars on professional topics as well as free, downloadable templates and guides.

Finally, the University embraces lifelong learning in meaningful ways. Learn more about University of Phoenix’s degree programs.